I have only one this year: Forgiveness.
Two things have resonated with me last year: the fact that I can actually cause harm and the fact that I don’t find it easy to forgive anymore. I am sure age and life experience have something to do with the changes in me. They are probably completely justifiable. However, I don’t like to spend time thinking about the slights (true or perceived) that I incurred. It seems like such a waste of energy to keep a grudge on someone that I once liked and respected enough to spend time with. I know that if they were to knock on my door tomorrow, I would still help them.
Why bother to be someone I am not? Why fight with myself and suppress my smiles in the vain hope that the other party will “understand their behavior”? If I was not smart enough to notice or stop these people from enjoying my friendship before, why bother now to punish them when it does not hurt them anymore? What lesson am I trying to teach them? What makes me think that they are willing to take that lesson from me now?
I am not an angel of course, nor do I want to be at this point. I just want a clean conscience and an easy heart. I want myself to be well-mannered and sweet. I want to be free of anger and resentment. I want to remember that people have ways to communicate with me and if they chose slight or abuse, I don’t have to follow the same route.
One person I know told me he was sure that I did not cause harm not because I was a good person, but because I was powerless to do so. I was angry at the time. I indulged in fantasies of harm and malice against him and other people whose mouths speak without permission from their brains, at least when it comes to me. I think that the anger came from the fact that I did perceive myself as powerless. I thought that if I could not do anything, I could do no harm either. That automatically made me a good person.
Well, guess what, I found that I could do harm. I had forgotten that. As yucky as this feeling was, it was strangely reassuring to see that I had the power. I could make people feel even if it was loathing or anger directed at me. And that I decided whether I could use that power or not.
I decide not too. I sent everyone I could think of Season’s Greetings. I decide to continue being careful and well-mannered when it comes to people. I decide to help all I can for another year. I decide that people I am mad with, usually do not deserve to see my anger or upset. So I smile at them and the world instead. Let them make the effort of erasing me from their lives. Let them live their lives with anger and upsets over someone who is not important.
I have thought about it for a while and I have come to the conclusion that I like being a speck of dust in the Universe and writing my stories. I intend to do no harm. These are the things I can stand behind and endeavor to achieve. I raise a glass at the health of all the people I have known and who have known me until now and wish them clarity. Or everything else their dear little hearts desire. Be well so I can be well too.