I shamelessly stole this term from my friend, as it is the most appropriate in describing a disturbing classification of male in women’s mind.
First – Husband. Many women have a specimen at home but for the uninformed: legal life partner on a renewable contract. Recently the “Till death do us part” clause has been replaced by “Till reason-that-sounded-important-then-but-sounds-ridiculous-now do us part”
Second – Fiancee. Poor sucker getting ready to “grow up”. Friendly advise includes investing in earplugs, saying “yes” and never ever bringing up mother’s cooking while experiencing the deliciousness, richness and hours of slavery that went into cooking his favorite meal by his beloved.
Third – Boyfriend, comes in several flavors, serious, not so serious, platonic (ha-ha) live in, or live in with mom (no judgement here since i live with my parental units too). Have at your own peril.
Four – friend with benefits or joy buddy. Occasional sex that may turn into occasional headache as one of the participants will for sure feel unfulfilled or uncuddled at one point in time. Advised with a side of vodka.
Five – one night stands. Self explanatory. Sometimes stretches over several nights. Caution: if applied incorrectly, might turn into nightmares with boiled rabbits, STDs, morning breath and facebook pics. If applied correctly, can cure headaches, morning blues and ignorance of male plumbing.
And now we come to pseudo-boyfriends. These men will go out on dates with you and stick around, pick you up, loan you money, occasionally sleep with you and escort you to parties, behave the morning after and cuddle, frequently but not always respond to contact whether phone calls, email or texting, are respectable enough to introduce to girlfriends, yet run away if labeled with the “B” word. They will laugh at your jokes, tsk at your use of pliers and fix your bag, confess that their mothers would swoon at the thought of you, yet lack the confidence to introduce you to her. I do not know whether it is because of their issues, or whether they are keeping you while waiting for something better, younger and richer to come along. I do know that it can confuse you to infinity, not knowing whether you are in a relationship or not, not knowing whether to accept the date with the hot lawyer who moonlights as a firefighter and does calendars for charity, or keep Fridays free for his calls. When people ask about your romantic life, you either answer the boyfriend question positively after a slight hesitation, or negatively after a slight hesitation, after which you will either refuse the inevitable offer of a single nice guy they know without a good reason why, or feel guilty while accepting, without a good reason why. As if your life wasn’t complicated enough, you’ll be spending most of your time puzzling over life, deciding that you will not call, you will not text, you’ll stay away to “test his feelings” and then you will go back and eat the humiliation because you know he’ll take your call and go out with you again, and be there for you if you need him.
I’ve noticed that this new breed is now around more often (or maybe I am past thirty so it comes with the territory). However, we shall overcome.