Eyes on the butt

I am turning into my grandmother. That is whenever adoring eyes and cooing voices enfold our little precious bundle, there goes the little old lady inside of me screeching “Eyes on the butt! Eyes on the butt!” I have twice threatened to poke holes in my brother-in-law’s shoes, and I had my sister whip out the garlic in a panic as soon as an adoring passerby asked to see our sleeping prince in a basket.
I see him when he sleeps, a tiny little miracle in the middle of the large and cuddly feeding pillow and I strain not to spit in the air around him and disperse the evil eye. Surely, no one can help but be envious of the warmth and peace that surround him, the strange highlights in his hair, the oriental tilt of his miniature eyelashes and the tiny fists he puts on his ears as if he is tired from all the oohing and the aahing his every little gesture elicits. And that envy, i was taught, that evil magnetic force can cause high fever, uninterrupted hiccups, colic and all kinds of other little torture that affect little angels and make them uncomfortable and their mamas and daddies miserable and gray with worry and sleeplessness.
Hence, the little magics of the earth and women, the ancient and secret murmuring upon the modern cradles, the “singing” in the babies’ ears, the baths of eggs and honey/sugar, the garlic, the keeping them away from people with “evil eye” who will take one look at the infant and “eat” him with their eyes. the soft, demure new brides, the old and shriveled great-grandmas, the stylish and well preserved grandmamas, the nubile and promiscuous bevies of aunts and cousins, they all congregate and pull together their knowledge whispered to them or dreamed about, and try to build the wall of protection, warmth and nurture for the little prince or princess or maybe both born to them.
so here it is people
newborn babies cannot be seen by other people before 40 days.
wash your girls with eggs and honey in the bathwater to make their skins soft and pretty and their fortune sweet.
wash your boys with warm water and a bit of milk to make them hurt less in life.
don’t kiss babies in the nape of their neck so they do become obedient.
never kiss babies just breath their aromas in.
give babies to unmarried girls to hold so that they be fertile and get married quickly.
don’t look at babies when they are asleep or feeding. you’ll take the milk away.
poke holes in people with new shoes who visit the new baby. bad juju, don’t ask me why.
never let the mother of the lady giving birth know when her water breaks, or her labor will be very difficult.
don’t ask what your grandma is singing to the baby and why she is waving the new broom twigs around.
keep lots of garlic cloves handy, hidden under clothes, in the carriages or cradles. garlick is the best protection.
shave the first hair of the baby when he is about 18 months.
and don’t forget:
Eyes on the butt! Eyes on the butt! Eyes on the butt!

One thought on “Eyes on the butt

  1. hahaha Sa kam qesh me kete. Isn’t it eyes on the butt of the black dog though (syte/syte e keqinj ne bythe te qënit/te zi)?

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