Vanilla

There comes a day in your life when you realize you are a bit different from everybody else. It may suddenly hit you at an odd moment, when all of a sudden you catch yourself wishing his hands would go in another direction, a little lower…a little further…a little stronger. Or during a particularly juicy gossip from your friend when you are shocked to find that you do not feel any disgust at all, whatsoever, but that you are wishing you could have tried it.

i am not talking about teenage angst, or even that type of conscious difference that you may try to achieve in life, which sets you apart enough so you can be distinguished, but not enough to be cast out. nope, i am talking about the type of difference that may indeed cast you out. the moment when you realize that you are not vanilla, and you’ve probably never been vanilla, and there is no chance in this life time you will ever be vanilla. 

there is this oddity, this strange viewpoint of reality that your difference brings, the inner secret growing inside of you and clamoring to get out. so you either go all out and wear your difference proudly, or keep it buried inside with the hope that it will not raise its head where people can see. there is no middle way. people will not overlook difference, people will not make peace with it either. so you have to choose.

you do not wish you’d never noticed your difference. you do not wish it will go away. you like your difference. it helps on those sleepless nights when you realize that there will be a time when every little molecule of the earth will be obliterated and with it every little chance of life as you know it, every little memory of you, every conscious thought on your head. and you do not know how to stop it. and you know you’ll probably need medication to put it to sleep. yet you like your little difference. 

and maybe you are not ready to show it to the world. you are not the type that takes the flag and runs with it, unafraid, undaunted, set and secure in yourself. oh no, you like your corner of the world, and the way your difference wraps around it. but you do not feel ashamed either. you know what your like, and your difference tells you why. because you are different. because you were born different, and because you will die different. and the world will be obliterated one day.

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