well, guess who the new villains of films are?!!! we are, we are, we are.
now that even the rats have been transformed into lovely intelligent creatures (check out Ratatouille), films need new villains. and albanians are more than ready to step up to the plate.
reasons to use albanians as villains in movies:
1. location, location location. no one knows where this country is, not even albanians themselves. the boundaries change all the time, bits and pieces fall off or come on occasionally. who’s going to care if the script writer adds on the kalahari desert or borders it with iraq?
2. historic and linguistic accuracy. Huh?
3. bad boys. now that the cold war is finished, mafia and yakuzza have been done to death, people are bored with terrorist rights violations, russians are our friends and french have their own film directors, thank god for albanians and their antics. never mind that the country only has 3 million people, they all love guns and direct human trafficking rings in france.
4. appearance. we all know there is no badder appearance that an unwashed man in greasy curls, 5 o’clock shadow and smelly leather. and square jaws, sunken eyes and distinctly bumpy foreheads while he kidnaps nubile young americans. i swear, i have no idea where the rest of us comes from. and we are naturally short so that there is no need for elevating pieces in the main hero’s shoes.
5. skin color. guess what, we are white too, so there is no risk of accusing the directors of racism. (look they are trashing their own, they must not be bigoted at all!)
6. cheap labor. we are so eager to make it that we do not charge at all, we are just glad to have our names in the cast. besides there is so little information about us that greek, mexican, and antonio banderas can play us perfectly without proper training at all. and we cost less than french in french roles.
7. the dictator. we actually had a dictator for 50 years which makes us absolutely charmingly depressive, closed-minded, obsessive and masochistic. and he is so exotic so he gets into every movie that needs a weird element.
8. religion. we have three main ones. while the directors can’t touch catholicism and they use orthodox for exotic shots, they can safely use muslimanism for all their albanian villains. never mind that most albanian muslims are the white sheep of islam, because they like to drink alcohol and eat during ramadan. but then again, it’s the name that counts.
i only just opened the game, please feel free to add your own reasons.
p.s. for an albanian villain coming to a theater near you:
2. my mom’s new boyfriend
3. inside man
4. the silences of lorna