why I can’t be your best friend (rated M for meanness)

you call me, you want to talk to me, you want to date my friends, you want to listen to my problems, you want to drive me home, you never let me pay, you let me go first through the door, you want to go where I go, you laugh at my jokes, you ask to be included and taken care off, you are surprised when I tell you to think for yourself.

pal,

i know what a bitch i can be. i know that you see thorns when you least expect them and you do not understand. you have problems of your own. you do not deserve the tongue lashing. you do not need the pain. you just want a little friendship, a confidante, a little giggle and a dinner companion. a little warmth that you can enjoy without burning, a little light that will lead you through the dark and winding road.

you think you have given enough to deserve all this.

but see, i have not received anything back. in my math, your side always comes up a bit short, your smile always a bit crooked, your admiring glance always a bit calculating, your warmth always filtered. so my cup runneth empty. and i cannot understand, i cannot control it, but i want to cover that emptiness and crawl in my own corner and listen to its echo. by myself.

i am not in a very good place right now. i am finding out what it is to be an adult. i am understanding that myself is not mine to give so freely anymore. i have responsibilities i have to adhere to. and yes, they are just excuses, but they are true nevertheless.

you do not deserve my attitude. you deserve friendship. which is not in me anymore. so the choice is yours. i never had one.

11 thoughts on “why I can’t be your best friend (rated M for meanness)

  1. Bleteza, your mood has been deteriorating progressively. Immediate changes are necessary. Train yourself to ignore things that bring nothing to the plate besides the grenxa in you. Keep a check on your expectations. Learn to enjoy whatever it is that you get out of others, or completely sever all communication.

    Compatible sign: Pisces🙂

  2. DH, I have so many pisces in my life, I could put on my own Little Mermaid Broadway show. It is not helping. (but i appreciate the suggestion. any fish in particular?)

    TL, I am sorry you had to feel the same way I do. it is not nice.

    Gjergj, when I go B I go completely B (Brutal Bitchy Bloodthirsty)

    On the bright side of life, I got paid today for my translation project and will be able to pay rent for the month and order bacalau with boiled bananas from the Jamaican place up on Boston Rd.

  3. DH aka Bimbashi (Pisces) would rather play in a Nemo broadway show as the lead fish.🙂

    I couldn’t make out the choices you were offering him in the end. We know it’s not going to be friendship, but what are the alternatives?

    Another thing that is unclear is the ultimate goal of this rant. I don’t want to be nosy but since it’s now a public matter, I’m curious.

  4. pisc, there is a season for everything. i am only human after all. but it also shall pass.

    belle, you always have the right words to say. hugs like only a bee can give to a flower🙂

    DH, there is really no alternatives. we will continue exactly as we are, until the next moment i feel the need to rant. you know the more things change, the more they stay the same.
    wishing you your own little broadway adventure soon.

  5. i know how you feel and i understand!
    what i don’t understand is these commenting people , that look so stunned to see you writing this way.i mean you are human too.
    peace and hugs

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