I am perched on the stool of the very swanky ICILICIOUS bar, waiting for my drink and my customer to arrive. she sounded kind of funny over the phone which is why i asked to meet her and get the assignment in person. I have to be careful not to smite innocent people, even though it is getting so hard trying to find even one. And my radar started beeping as soon as I heard the teary voice of Michelle (my client) over the phone describing me how her fiancee had repeatedly cheated on her with several girls for the whole time they were engaged. and she’d been so heartbroken, so miserable, and would i please smite him so that she could stop crying and get on with her life?
suspicious! and i wanted to try ICILIOUS and find a way to write it up in my tax returns so here I am, sipping on a frosty mojito and watching a very busty and wawawoom brunette making her way over.
(F.y.i. ICILICIOUS is one of those ultracool places where they not only allow you to come in drag, they encourage it, sort of a Diet S&M or lightly peppered perversion, therefore my usual Queen of the Pathetic, Punisher of the Pencil pusher crowd raises no eyebrows, whether shaved or tattooed)
it is indeed the heartbroken Michelle. she sits next to me and pushes my own flier over:
-Did I speak to you on the phone? -she asks, her feathery voice carrying over the house music.
-Yep – I say – In all my grandeur. How do you do?
-I need you to smite my ex- she says, getting straight to the point.-He cheated on me and when I confronted him, he broke up with me and got engaged to the girl he was cheating on me with.
-How long ago was this? – I ask
-Two weeks ago.
What!!! No wonder she cannot think to exchange pleasantries with me.But in that case, wouldn’t she be home, tearing up his t-shirts and shredding his tax refund checks? or overdosing on chocolate-chip/cookie dough ice cream?
– I left my house for the first time today in order to meet you- she says, almost pulling the words from my mind. hmmm. I signal for one more mojito for me and for Michelle. Looks like she’ll need it.
– So when did you find out he was cheating on you? – I ask
-I found some emails his girlfriend had sent him three months ago. – she said. -It looked like they’d been together for a while.
-so why didn’t you break up with him right away? – I asked.
– It is complicated – she said and drew a deep breath, and a good sized swill from the mojito glass.
-Tell me- I say.
-Why do you need to know all of this? Can’t you just smite him or key his car or something? -she snaps back.
I could. But again, I have the feeling that this lady is not being terribly frank with me and I do want to find out as much as I can, before i make another mistake like that case with my own friend those many months ago. By the way, they are still together, and he still has not given her a ring. At least she does not call me anymore and wear my ears off with her endless sagas.
So I just look at her and wait.