I always felt as if there was an invisible judge behind my shoulder, writing in his thick black book everything I did and pointing with a pencil accordingly. See, I always wanted to be bad, mischievious, nasty and promiscuous but I couldn’t. I have always been lucky it is true. I have always found my bank card, despite the fact that I have no memory to speak of; I have always somehow survived, even though I spend money faster than I can get it and I have no sugar daddy; I still have my independence in a house full of parents, cousins and well-meanign friends, and I still have all my hair despite the oncoming grays sneaking in.
But that time I broke someone’s heart? whoops, lived myself with a broken heart for a lot of years. The time I lied to my cousin, I stepped on dog poop. When I ignore a phone call, I get paper cuts. Thinking about somebody with hairy legs and ugly shoes, boom goes my head on the doorframe. Beeing nasty to the busboy, my heel breaks on the way home. That is why when I learned about karma, it felt like coming home. I am plagued with instant karma. Not in another lifetime, not in three years hence, now. I am not bad, not because I do not like it, but because strange calamities befall me when I dare venture in the b.b. region. So I have a list of good deeds that I do, in order to get instant karma, and maybe use it against that time in the future when I will get drunk and paddle the busboy with his fake designer leather belt, right in front of the bitchy brazilian hostess who will tremble when her turn comes.
1. Dance with an old man or woman. It is a well known fact that this gets you instant karma for at least two bad deeds, especially if you let them rub against the fat part of your arms or do not flinch at the sulphurous breath.
2. Leave the bathroom cleaner than when I go in. I am obsessed with public bathrooms. I have to clean and put some semblance of order in them before and after I use them. But never go and scoff at the one who did not flush before you, because there is instant karma cancellation potential.
3. make people scoot over the seats inside the train. I usually wedge my butt in and then wiggle left and right in order to get the maximum seat available which then i can freely give to a preggers lady or a really fat man.
4. Read the palms of an anxious person and lie through my teeth. Because if I have spoken it it might come true and then boom! instant karma again.
5. Don’t snap at new employees. This is one of the hardest of them all. There is something very irritating about hopeful and optimistic big doe eyes and bright greetings before noon. But I persevere thinking of my clean soul.
Well this is it. Maybe some more, but i am not about to disclose all my magic. 😉
What do you do to clean your soul?