He comes into the room and snaps me off my reverie. He can’t see me yet, and I prefer to watch for a bit. Like cat and mouse we play, this mouse being about 6 ft tall, lanky, messy bed hair and bald spot, no butt. I guess it was his starving poet looks that attracted my friend in the first place, even though this guy’s idea of poetry is thug rap lyrics. She got it in her mind that all he needed was feeding and love to grow into his loving husband potential. He got it in his mind that all he needed was to waive the potential husband carrot in order to corner the market on slightly desperate, but very very hot women.
Anyway, he finally notices me, or better say he notices my dangerous boots and trailing whip. His yell is cut off by the appearance of my torpedoes/breasts and familiar face. Shoot, I should have added a mask. Oh well, time to play:
“ Tremble cheater! For I am CheaterSmiterGirl; here to show you the evil of your ways!” I speak, actually feeling slightly stupid. I should definitely work on my lines.
“Huh? I know you, what’cha talking about? And what are you doing here?” he grumbles, finally finding his language somewhere, despite his raging boner and distinctive fear.
“Never mind what you think you know. I am here to avenge your poor long suffering girlfriend whose heart you have trampled upon like worthless dirt. You have betrayed her trust, her love and have made a mess of her mind and reason. Therefore, I will smite you where it will hurt the most: your manhood.”
He is listening openmouthed and confused. And he has not called the police yet, which shows how stupid men can become in front of half-naked women, even ones dressed like deranged avengers/doms gone wild. Especially in front of deranged avengers/doms gone wild. How we fall to pieces over such dumb jerks will always be beyond me.
“But what did I do?” he manages to say, as I make my bolt ready.
“You refuse to commit, you do not allow her to get closer, you are inconsiderate of her feelings, you are indifferent and careless with her, you hit on her friends and you don’t even celebrate Valentine with her. And you never ever take her out to meet your friends, even though she takes you every time she meets hers. I certainly suffered enough of your lecherous blathering.”
“Huh?” he says. Male eloquence at its best. I do not bother to answer, I get ready, I point the smiting bolt…
“Wait, wait’ he says. “There has been some gross misunderstanding here. Please hear me out.”
I do not want to. But his slightly bulbous nose gives his round face such a pleading look that I cannot smite. Dratt! I hold at the ready and indicate he can continue.
“I never hit on you.” he says. Oh brother, now he is truly getting the bolt. His ass is grass. I smite him with all the satisfaction of a well deserved deed, and I imensely enjoy his yowls of pain.
“Honey, what happened? Are you ok?” I hear from the bedroom, surprise engulfing me as my broken hearted friend springs to his aid.
“Oh what did you do?” she cries at me, clutching his football sized head. “What did you do?”