she sits with her back straight, sipping her coffee with those blossom red lips and glancing furtively at the window from under her glasses.

she says she has a confession to make. she says he’s asked her to go out some time ago. she says she was caught by surprise. she says he’s the last person on earth she would consider as a date. yet he’d asked her out and she wants to make sure with me that it is ok before she goes on. the man who asked her out is my crush you see.

she insists it was all a surprise to her, a new thing she d’never really dwelled on. she tells me he’d been calling her lately and she never thought…but he is a good man. and handsome. and smart. and single. and looking for a serious relationship.

can’t say it is a surprize to me. i have been waiting for the other shoe to drop for some time now. the time she let him slid his arm across her shoulders, the way he sat next to her through all these months, the way she has been trying to be in touch with all his friends, carefully creating the caring persona, the great catch that is soo good to pass up, the invisible net that women are so crafty at making. (except me, and yes, it is the scorn writting now).

she straightens her back, looking impossibly beautiful, making me wonder how i could fit my abundand meat in such a compact little frame. she smokes her cigarette with quick puffs, relieved that they allow smoking in this dinghy place.

what is there to say? am i ok with it? no. it hurts? yes. how much? i do not know. logic tells me that it was going to happen one day, that my crush has been running circles on me all these years, noticing my sister, my cousin, my friends, and smoothly rebuffing my ackward advances as well as he can. intuition foretold this last year. so, why does it still hurt? who knows.

i try to separate wounded ego from feeling. i try to imagine again how would it be to morph into this beautiful concentrated figure in front of me with small perky breasts and a bubble butt. i try to pretend i am not even there and my heart is not once more traveling in my throat.

what if i am not ok with it? it certainly would not stop the telling 30 years from now of a wonderful love story of two friends who become more to their grandchildren. i’d probabbly be mentioned in sorrow, the ego booster who had no chance.  there is nothing for me to do but be graceful.

i say yes. i know how hard it is to find a good man nowadays, especially one who has all the makings of a perfect husband. there will be roses at work for my friend, brown puppy eyes and midnight msn flirtings. there will be proper in-law greetings, white linen shirts and going around the table to shake hands with wedding guests. can not deny that to my friends now can i? soul mates will have to wait for another lifetime.

i get a hug from my friend, who is going out with my obsession of seven years. i am expected to be a good friend and hang out sometime and enjoy the night, and smile and crack wise comments without bitterness or jealousy. i probabbly will too. see, i want to be free as well.

we walk, my friend and i, our little melodrama happily trailing behind with our shopping bags.  she is probbably composing wedding invitation, i am carefully filling my brain with Time Square lights and sounds. it is a beautiful night out.


9 thoughts on “conversation

  1. Hi Blete,
    I feel you, girl.

    10 – eshte numri i faqeve me shkrim dore te nje letre qe nje shoqe e imja me dergoi dikur. Me fliste per dashurine e saj qe nuk filloi kurre, per puthjen (e vetme), per dhimbjen, per lidhjen tjeter te “atij”, per shume ‘mos’-e dhe ‘nuk’-e dhe ‘po sikur’-e qe une i perjetova me nje dhimbje disa here me te madhe se ajo. Pas shume muajsh qe i kisha folur per te, pas shume endrrash, planesh qe fillonin dhe mbaronin ne nje rrugice 10 m tek Blloku, pas shume kafesh te pira ”rastesisht” tek i njejti lokal, pas shume netesh pa gjume dhe telefonatash disa oreshe qe na linin me nje piiiiip te bezdisshem ne vesh, ajo, per nje teke fati e njohu e para, e takoi e para, e puthi e para. Pastaj erdhi zhgenjimi, pastaj letrat, pastaj, pak nga pak, u harrua gjithcka (me pare per shoqen se per mua). Tani ai nuk eshte me rrotull. As per mua, as per shoqen. Pyetja “are you ok with it?” jo vetem qe nuk m’u be, por jam e sigurt qe nuk eshte formuluar kurre ne trurin e shoqes. Ne njefare menyre i jam mirenjohese per kete. Pse nuk u be? Guess: Duhet te kete qene i gjithe faji im. Sepse une gjate gjithe kohes, iu lija te tjereve pershtypjen qe “I was OK with it” si te me merrnin librin e preferuar, varesen e preferuar, kaseten e preferuar, endrren e vetme. Noone is ever ok with it! Period! Enough being said. I am happy that people like you are able to say that out loud. Say that for thousands of others who never did, when they could. The only solace is that this too, passes and one day, it will not hurt any more…

    Gjithe te mirat

  2. i bie qe nuk ka qene kismet deserve a man drooling for you.yes for need something better.enjoy the nights and the pays ,trust me!

  3. You can say: you are not ok with it. That’s fine. On the other hand: would you really like to be with a guy like this? Life goes on, even though at the moment it is very hard to believe it!!! Read smthing funny.

  4. A guy like what?
    As the recipient of such an obsessive crush once upon a time, i can’t help but have a different perspective on it. On the other hand, I despise the theatrics, the mock etiquette of asking for the other persons approval to ease one’s consciousness. Would she not date him had you said no? Doubt it!

  5. honestly? would love to be with him. i think part of the hurt is that i was never given a chance.
    i have also been on the receiving end of a very bad crush, so i try to have both perspectives, but at the end of the day it is the irrational which takes over.
    as for the melodrama, it can be quite tiring after a while, but people need it apparently, including me. my snake intuition tells me that dating plans have been planned a long time ago, and this was just a way to have the cake and eat it too. i am a valuable friend after all.
    but my other side says to put the snake to sleep and be glad i am free. think of it as a incredibly thorough brazilian wax. it hurts, but boy it is smooth afterwards.

  6. B,
    Glad you’re back, but sad you’re disappointed…

    Crush-at jane gjithmone te mire, te bukur, te zgjuar, romantike, potenciale te vertete krijuesish familjesh te medha e te bukura qe jetojne neper shtepia me oxhake e oborre me lodra kalamajsh…
    S’te ka marre malli te jetosh ca kohe pa shpresen se ky tipi perfekt do te te jape nje shanc?

  7. e u shofte las vegasi me gjithe casino… po pse prandaj te cojme andej ty ne, qe te deprimohesh ne kete fare feje…. 😉 😛

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