How to lose your virginity in ten days. (Rated PG25)

For the late bloomers, virginity has always been more of a curse than a virtue. It is not fun to spend hot and cold nights huffing and puffing alone in a queen sized bed while everybody else is bumping uglies in every position imaginable (and some unimaginable) In such occasions, one whips up principles and dreams and mommy’s promises that if one is a good girl/boy until they get married or find their special one, one’s life will be full of proper honey, blue birds and paradise bells. Unfortunately, sometimes the dreamy prince charming might become more and more of a toad and the understudy turns out to be (cough) l-i-m-p. And then one becomes 25 and finds oneself on the fast road for sainthood unless one takes matters into their own hands.

 This ten day self-help program will help the needy with the how-to unlock their minds and their legs, and with who.

  1. Ease your mind. A lot more people than you think are virgins after 25, and the ones who aren’t are not that experienced either. Most just have a very vivid imagination. So never compare to your friends’ stories, or “romantic” movies where everybody finds their perfect soul mate and has an orgasm within 30 seconds of being deflowered.
  2. Get informed. It is one thing not to have practice but a reasonable 25 yr old has no excuse for not knowing the theoretical stuff. Rent some porn and none of that soft-core two-position stuff either. Read self-help books and do the exercises that you can do alone. (p.s. please use only unripe bananas, not squishy ones)
  3. Bring protection. Virgin or virginette, it is unforgivable to be caught riding bareback even if the horse is your cousin. You never know when the moon might strike you, but you want to be safe when you get the bolt and get ready to drop ’em.
  4. Go on vacation. Hot sticky places like beaches are the best spots. Usually everybody is looking for a good time and one can have oodles of make-out fun and none of the heartbreak. Best thing is, if things go sour and the prince really turns into a beast, you will be 10000 miles away soon, and never see them again.
  5. Pick an interesting person. You are not picking your soul mate (well, maybe you are but do not look for one). Instead, focus on somebody funny, with an exciting voice, and pleasant to look at. They must be employed, have all their teeth and hair, and not very bright. Overly intelligent people usually overanalyze things and are either too clingy or too detached. Age does not matter, but younger ones tend to brag and might not give enough incentive. Remember, you are the young succulent morsel in this liaison.
  6. Pick an interesting place. Clean hotel rooms, a roomy back seat, a straw cabana by the sea are the perfect spots. All 25yr olds have enough money to splurge for all the above mentioned. Don’t get deceived by the romantic movies and choose the following: beach or forest (unless you enjoy sand or ants in your butt), pool table (above, under or sideways), kitchen table, restroom (public or private), Jacuzzi, sea or pool (for obvious reasons). If you are in an aquatic mood, enjoy the entire water make out, then sprint back to your cozy room or cabana to seal the deal.
  7. Don’t say it is your first time, unless the other person cannot understand why the fiery sexpot suddenly cools when the “moment” comes. A warning is fair, but it usually warns the other person off to the other side of the city or makes them giggle with their brainless friends. Mission unaccomplished. Instead, do not be afraid to ask the other person to go easy or hard or negotiate what feels best to you. Again you are the succulent morsel here.
  8. If you happen to run in another virgin or virginette, (it happens more often than you think), do the best you can. Being allies is not so bad after all. Just forego the backseat and the cabana. It is best to have a kingsize bed, room service, showers and instructional books at hand (never bring Kama Sutra, it will only confuse you further).
  9. Endure the deed. Enjoyable, painful, surprisingly refreshing or sleep inducing, it will help you have a great story for your grandchildren. Actually, stories for grandchildren should be a great incentive throughout your life. After all, you do not want to be the boring grandparent or the one they only like for the gifts.
  10. Bask in the afterlight. There usually is one. (Warning to partners, there might be unexplainable tears, incessant talking or enigmatic smiles after. Your limbs or body might be appropriated for a while. Please lend them and be glad you are in somebody’s memories, even if you do not remember their last name).

 It is wonderful to be a late bloomer.It means that you get to enjoy everything at a decent age and do not feel like life passed you by. And because you are technically not mature yet, it also means that you are younger than anybody your age. But you still have to do something in order to be called a bloomer at all. So please follow my 10 day program and don’t forget to tell me whether it worked or not. Details, please!

  

14 thoughts on “How to lose your virginity in ten days. (Rated PG25)

  1. hehehe, put on your boxing gloves matey, for here I come.
    i wanted to write something like this for a very long time, because i know there are virgins out there who will appreciate the help.
    the rest can satisfy whatever unjaded bone in their body they have left.
    penguin, what’s a pablo?

  2. Do you really believe your fragile and celibate fantasies can translate to a bleeding pleasure? And also, if you actually know, as you claim, virgins, that should have been a vaulted secret, it says a lot about my first hypothesis. Unless whom you know are also imaginary friends. Maybe you should see the movie Kids of Larry Clark…you might come to know that only mothers are virgins now days.

  3. ohh, I forgot, I don’t know what a pablo is!it can be anything, but has to be a “he” as such.

  4. penguin, i am not so sure i understand your comments, but if they make sense to you…
    fantasies are fantasies, doesn’t matter whether they are pure chastity or dripping sublimate evil. virgins exist, even past 25, but we associate them with a lot of attributes they do not have and some they do not want. it is hard to find oneself imbued with unwanted values, the same as inflated money.
    but i am happy that you think i have imagination enough to create friends. fictionally speaking i must be on the right track to ellicit such a reaction from you.
    thanks
    bbzz

  5. It was a joke my dear, I was saying that what you prescribe as a self-help program is a fantasy that can not bring one to be a woman. You say you know people who are virgins, I said what a wonder…and of course I am one (a virgin) I am a mother of two…having said this as my last sentence in my previous comment should have landed a clue, that was just a joke, only that a bit more demanding that the naive and soft adoration by the other commentators…I believe that you definitely, are not a girl anymore.
    I will immediatly practice all the steps you suggests, so to have a more practical perspective on the issue, and I will report to you honestly and in detail my achievements and conclusions, if you will be interested…!

    What are those attributes that the “you” enclosed in the “we” associate with them?

  6. Blete,
    Just out of curiosity, did you write this points out of your experience? 😛
    I doubt there is any 25 years virgin left (even an albanian).However your points make sense!
    May i recommend point 2 out off my experience on this field… It does work!!
    So much that, one could think you are the best shag ever… 😛
    P.s. Shag is an english common word ..

  7. E lezetshme kjo, po besoj me shume shqiptar(e) te ketille jetojne ne U.S ose ne ndonje vend tjeter sesa brenda territoreve te Shqiperise. Ne Shqiperi s’besoj se po durojne kaq gjate se eshte dhe vape dhe hormonet jane ngritur shume…
    Mjafton tia vesh qellim vetes dhe te gjitha pikat me lart i realizon…🙂

  8. penguin, how did my steps help you? still a virgin?
    en, lule, sm thank you.
    leon, some are from practice yes. i agree with you on point 2. but please do not overlook 3. & 5. they might also help.
    gjergji will try to do better. i like your praise.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s