For the late bloomers, virginity has always been more of a curse than a virtue. It is not fun to spend hot and cold nights huffing and puffing alone in a queen sized bed while everybody else is bumping uglies in every position imaginable (and some unimaginable) In such occasions, one whips up principles and dreams and mommy’s promises that if one is a good girl/boy until they get married or find their special one, one’s life will be full of proper honey, blue birds and paradise bells. Unfortunately, sometimes the dreamy prince charming might become more and more of a toad and the understudy turns out to be (cough) l-i-m-p. And then one becomes 25 and finds oneself on the fast road for sainthood unless one takes matters into their own hands.
This ten day self-help program will help the needy with the how-to unlock their minds and their legs, and with who.
- Ease your mind. A lot more people than you think are virgins after 25, and the ones who aren’t are not that experienced either. Most just have a very vivid imagination. So never compare to your friends’ stories, or “romantic” movies where everybody finds their perfect soul mate and has an orgasm within 30 seconds of being deflowered.
- Get informed. It is one thing not to have practice but a reasonable 25 yr old has no excuse for not knowing the theoretical stuff. Rent some porn and none of that soft-core two-position stuff either. Read self-help books and do the exercises that you can do alone. (p.s. please use only unripe bananas, not squishy ones)
- Bring protection. Virgin or virginette, it is unforgivable to be caught riding bareback even if the horse is your cousin. You never know when the moon might strike you, but you want to be safe when you get the bolt and get ready to drop ’em.
- Go on vacation. Hot sticky places like beaches are the best spots. Usually everybody is looking for a good time and one can have oodles of make-out fun and none of the heartbreak. Best thing is, if things go sour and the prince really turns into a beast, you will be 10000 miles away soon, and never see them again.
- Pick an interesting person. You are not picking your soul mate (well, maybe you are but do not look for one). Instead, focus on somebody funny, with an exciting voice, and pleasant to look at. They must be employed, have all their teeth and hair, and not very bright. Overly intelligent people usually overanalyze things and are either too clingy or too detached. Age does not matter, but younger ones tend to brag and might not give enough incentive. Remember, you are the young succulent morsel in this liaison.
- Pick an interesting place. Clean hotel rooms, a roomy back seat, a straw cabana by the sea are the perfect spots. All 25yr olds have enough money to splurge for all the above mentioned. Don’t get deceived by the romantic movies and choose the following: beach or forest (unless you enjoy sand or ants in your butt), pool table (above, under or sideways), kitchen table, restroom (public or private), Jacuzzi, sea or pool (for obvious reasons). If you are in an aquatic mood, enjoy the entire water make out, then sprint back to your cozy room or cabana to seal the deal.
- Don’t say it is your first time, unless the other person cannot understand why the fiery sexpot suddenly cools when the “moment” comes. A warning is fair, but it usually warns the other person off to the other side of the city or makes them giggle with their brainless friends. Mission unaccomplished. Instead, do not be afraid to ask the other person to go easy or hard or negotiate what feels best to you. Again you are the succulent morsel here.
- If you happen to run in another virgin or virginette, (it happens more often than you think), do the best you can. Being allies is not so bad after all. Just forego the backseat and the cabana. It is best to have a kingsize bed, room service, showers and instructional books at hand (never bring Kama Sutra, it will only confuse you further).
- Endure the deed. Enjoyable, painful, surprisingly refreshing or sleep inducing, it will help you have a great story for your grandchildren. Actually, stories for grandchildren should be a great incentive throughout your life. After all, you do not want to be the boring grandparent or the one they only like for the gifts.
- Bask in the afterlight. There usually is one. (Warning to partners, there might be unexplainable tears, incessant talking or enigmatic smiles after. Your limbs or body might be appropriated for a while. Please lend them and be glad you are in somebody’s memories, even if you do not remember their last name).
It is wonderful to be a late bloomer.It means that you get to enjoy everything at a decent age and do not feel like life passed you by. And because you are technically not mature yet, it also means that you are younger than anybody your age. But you still have to do something in order to be called a bloomer at all. So please follow my 10 day program and don’t forget to tell me whether it worked or not. Details, please!