My coworker got Red Roses today. They came in a wonderful package. They were red, awesome, and gave everybody a case of the envy bug. Personally, I had heard about such a blatant display of affection, but I had never experienced it firsthand. In direct violation to my cynical relationship judging, my heart was fluttering and my mind was already pulling together a dream when I was the Rose Recepient, and the envy of all my middle age coworkers.
As it is, the Rose Recipient sashays in the hallways, an inner smile playing on her lips while all around, envious and admiration looks follow her. She is the proper woman, the one who wants roses and allows romance on her terms, the one who goes to church and buys white thongs with a veil and a bow behind. I do not know who the most enlightened woman is, the uncontrolled feminist who scares everybody, or the church lady who demands (and gets) roses for proper courtship. It just seems that the lines are blurring and they will quite possibly both end up living with cats and being a nuissance to great grandchildren.
Not to let my envy run rampart, I make a list of all the soppy and romantic gestures that would secretly and embarrasingly please me very much and why. I always make a list whenever I am in trouble.
1. Getting Red Roses at work.
Plus. My coworkers will die of envy; I will be the talk of the office; I will think all day of ways to thank the giver; I will make a good rose petal jam.
Minus. My independent status will go down in shambles; I will be outted in public as having a suitor (or two); I will eat all the jam by myself.
2. Finding a Red Rose Petal and Candle Covered home and bath.
Plus. I will be like them actresses on TV.
Minus. I have to clean the “after” mess; I can’t use the petals for jam; the candles might set the place on fire.
3. Being escorted to the door.
Plus. I get to make out like a teenager.
Minus. My dad might see me and break out the gun.
4. Receiving a gift.
Plus. I am appreciated; I am appeased; I can show off.
Minus. I am an honorable person and I have to sleep with the giver, or at least model the gift even if not required. The obligation is implied.
5. Taking me out to diner and paying for it.
Plus. Food puts me in a good mood.
Minus. There might be a fight over the bill. I have grudgingly come to terms with the fact that I am a woman and offering is all that is required of me, but it still irks my feminist side.
Ehh, this list is not making sense anymore. I might just enjoy things for what they are and think about the rest tomorrow. But feel free to add your own stuff.