there are some perfect saturdays when the rent check has cleared and there is still money in the bank, there is no frantic calls from work, the sun is shiny and old friends resurface. sometimes one just sits by the window in the Jersey transits, chaneling your inner Bond girl and asking oneself :”what to do, what to do…” the possibilities are just endless. here is what can do the trick to make the day perfect:
1. find a french bistro with not so snotty waiters. the one we went to was perfect, full of clean people and their dogs. please leave the dogs alone. some owners really do not want their dogs to be molested by well meaning passerbys. (my friend is the wors offender. while i watch her greet and pet dogs, i am always praying that she will not get arrested for dog molesting and, more importantly, i won’t accompany her as an accessory to the deed.)
2. go to Central Park and ogle people in bathing suits. we had our fill of biceps, triceps, washboard abs, calfy calves and tattoos, as well as the best pick up line ever, said to two hot girls in bikinis by a tall corn fed Ohio man: ” Hi, i am a teacher, would you girls like to learn Spanish or Portugeze? you look hot enough to know it.” i am telling you, the man was a master. just avoid the guys in Speedos, especially if they are white, because there is no tush, only two itty bitty drooping meatflanks and a lump as big as a boiled egg in the front. i was very disappointed. i know that some men are not as lucky as their well-endowed choccolate brothers, but do they really need to advertise that fact?
3. take your friends on a quest, trying to find “that yellow brick Thai restaurant, where you went in that one time with what-s-his-name, which was right next block from the M & M store you thought was on 56th but which was really on 48th”. whatever you do never ask an old wizzened lady with pink blush explosion on her face for directions, neither stop when she is trying to “help” you.
4. pick a restaurants with natives in it. anything italian with alb waiters, latino with chinese waiters, thai with white waiters or ethiopian with afgani waiters won’t do. but never look for any different busboys than mexican because such a place does not exist. also never let the waiter guilttrip you into paying early and leaving early. even though they bring the check, technically they can’t kick you out until you leave yourself. unless you are on a blind date with a man with bigger boobs than yours. then by all means run for freedom.
5. go for drinks in the Village. Noho, Soho and any other Ho’s are generally there to provide you with a good time. keep cash in the pocket because some bars are really old school. never let your friends talk you into doing peanutbutter and jelly shots after beer, unless you have to get hit on the head and consider hammers too painful.
6. end up at the beer garden, minus the harmonica, and bust a cap on some kielbasa and beer ass. it is the only place that actually makes straight up vodka drinkers look uncool. Warning. you might have to fart really badly to get a table cleared up, because the place is packed and jumping. as usual cute girls and confused boys abound.
7. never get a driver’s licence, because you will be called upon as a designated driver sometime and will not be allowed to get smashed and flash cops, thus leaving your blog empty. remember that manhattan streets are very organized and clear matchsticks, whereas queens is more of a spaggetti plate. never ask what jersey looks like. or staten island.
8. forget your keys and get your mom to wake up and open your door at 4.00 AM. these days i don’t even get a yell anymore, just more of a murmur and a hopeless moan. blog in your underwear, while outside the squirrels are slowly waking and having their morning woody taken care of.
9. enjoy your sunday.