From the deep-ended treasure trove of Alb Maintenance Guy, I present you with two tales:
1. The mystery of the decorating butt.
There once was an Alb Maintenance Guy, diligently working to keep a school’s bathrooms in running order. He always took pride in a job well done but he was having trouble with the East Wing Boys Bathrooms, the last stall in particular. Several times the stall was found to have been decorated with piles of Human Excretions, enshrining a pristine toilet bowl. After several useless stakeouts, the janitor finally pinpointed the time of the “deed” as 4.30-ish. However, he still could not catch the culprit with his pants down. So, an elaborate plan was plotted and implemented.
First, the whole bathroom was stripped of all toilet and towel paper. Then, all tissue holders were filled with generous helpings of Human Excretions (HE) from the eversuffering Alb Maintenance Guy, and his most trusted weapon: Senna Leaves Tea fortified with Magnesium Milk. As the last resort, water was completely cut off in all of the the East Wing.
I am pleased to say that the perpetrator and his decorating butt were caught, evidence in hand, while frantically trying to use his shirt to dispose of it. Another job well done!
2. The Gift in the Locker.
As we have previously stated, the Alb Maintenance Guy is a very diligent person. For those dismissive pencil pushers, it is enough to say that some cases, like the curious event to be described below demand his wisdom, fully use all his faculties, and challenge his intellect.
Once, there was a strange smell coming out of the Boys Locker Room. The Mighty Alb Maintenance Guy dove to the rescue, smelling the lockers one by one, until he found the culprit: yep, you guessed. A big pile of warm, steaming, just-out-of-the-oven HE was proudly sitting right in the middle of the narrow opening. He cleaned it of course, but he did not yell to the culprit for one and one reason only; he wanted to know how could the 14 yr old boy get his butt inside the locker?
A mystery wrapped in an enigma.
So, the Wise Alb Maintenance Guy bid his time and watched the locker room. And soon enough his patience was rewarded, and the mystery revealed. It was indeed wrapped in something, but not an enigma. Toilet paper held the precious radioactive cargo, until it was placed inside the locker. The toiled paper was of course biodegradable, so by the time the smell wafted in the hallway, it had disintegrated in nothing.
And the culprit was suspended and went to caught prankster hell.
You can see what happens to the brain when you spend Memorial Day Weekend drinking, eating and pooping in other’s people apartments. There has been almost no sleep to speak off, just stories, laughter, drama and an acute reminder that we are not 20 anymore. Except Mr. E who was only visiting anyway.