Today is self-appraisal day. What that means, is that the powers that be, and which pay my salary, have dispached an email and requested that I rack my brains and say why I deserve a raise and not a boot in the soft cushions I carry everywhere with me. It is a bit like trying to get people to vote for me, while I know and they know how truthful my elegant reports can be.

Yes, I am able to finish 6 original essays in two hours and grade an average B+ in all of them. Yes, I am able to knock any type of essay on any type of subject, armed only with a working PC, Google,  and enough coffee to spill on the keyboard. Yes, I am a genius at throwing together mediocre PowerPoints and translating innuendos in English from two hundred year old Lotharios. Yes, I can even charm a few bored minds and con them into reading these lines.

But how can I write a self-appraisal?

I can not stop sniggering or snivelling by turns after every full stop.

Spent time blog-writing? Reaching out to the “sandwich” generation my friends. 

Researching dating advice? I need to be informed on social interactions to be prepared for my patients.

Visiting peshku? Oh just in the hopes they publish an Albanian NY Event.

What else? Yes, I have established a wonderful network. Weeell, most of them are my cousins and my friends, but they did bring in their grandparents so it goes in the achievement side.

Personal calls? MY job depends on personal calls people! Some of my referrals come from Albania for Pete’s sake!

Using internet from my work cell? Have not found an application for this yet.

So, I am an overworked albo confudaily slob. Where are my results? But it is hard man, so hard out there, trying to win the hearts of the grandmothers, hoodwinking grandfathers with decolletage and smiles, and dancing on egshells in order not to make any political or social mistakes.

It is high time I told my boss that I deserve a raise, for not screaming when I find a passed-out hooker in the bathtub and the son dealing coke out of the living room, while grannie is watching her soap opera, for smiling when I give people a chance to jeer at the capital city hussy, for holding the hands of neurotic politicos who want the vote but do not understand why they have to work for it, and for taking lectures from people who spell their own name wrong.

My weakest points? Why, none of course. Actually only one. I work too hard. They see me typing during ALL work day, concentrated and frowning and talking to myself. Yep, I sure am a workhorse.

I wish the appraisal was like American Idol and I am disqualified already. Wanna go home but who knows where home is right now?

So, vote for me that I may get a raise and give me your grannies.


10 thoughts on “VOTE FOR ME

  1. Blete, you got mine and those of my both grannies! 😉

    I’ve never been asked the reasons to have a raise (because I never asked one), but my “favourite” part of the interviews is to tell my strong points…arrrrrrr… (the weak point is simple “I work too much… :P)

    Tani qe po e mendoj, is there any inflation in USA for the moment?

  2. damn.. i don’t really wanna spend time @ .. i’m going to improvise

    snigerring or snivelling -? does this mean kur ja ben paf-puf nga… just a guess

    confudaily- ???… i’m not even trying

    hoodwinking grandfathers with decolletage – ????

    Sorry for just throwing my ignorance out there, i mean.. not everybody is sophi-stuck-ated (j.k.) like you ppl in NY. And i know it comes easier because it happens in english and that’s why you write it, but somebody said you should write in albanian to get a wider audience.. that is mostly albanian after all, i’m just sayin.. i don’t really care i’m enjoying it like it is. Thank you for the mjaltin.. i know is gettin redundant thankin you and stuff, it just came to me… they say corrupt politicians use too much compliments, (i just made it up.. but smth like that i dont’ remember it).. but that wasn’t a bribe just in case

    Akullnaja.. recommend..not recomand… just throuing in my 1.5 cents.

  3. ti je me e mira Blete…by the way te zbulova tek translatorscafe:) jam dhe une aty…por une nuk punoj kaq sa ty sigurisht:)

  4. snigger = me u zgerdhi
    snivell = me u qaravit
    me zinin here te qeshurat, here te qarat sa here perpiqesha te shkruaja ate dreq forme.

  5. O Gjergj, po m’i korrigjo t’gjitha o burre i dheut, se s’ma ha mendja qe nje llaf vetem kisha gabim… Apo t’u mbaruan centet? 🙂 Ne fakt, anglishtja ime eshte shume plake dhe nqs ne fillim me vinte keq qe Blete nuk shkruan shqip, tani me vjen mire, se i bej gjimnastike anglishtes. Thanks, anyway. 😉

  6. hmm, it is only one .50 an hour man, you can only get me to divest of my ID for that much money.
    hej akull, no worries, i am happy gjergji is in a vigilante mood. i think he is taking revenge on my scissors some time back.

  7. am I the last one to know about your skills Bee?
    which totally reminds me of that movie SMOKE OF ACES, and the karate kid shouting: SKILLS, SKILLS … ! a must see for gjeke!
    I will be particulary interested on that RECREATIONAL SKILLS of yours. can you elaborate a little bit more on this?
    hope your traslations (forgive me for prejudging now) are not like that book I used to study in albanian “elektronika lineare” (from Millman in original) translated maybe from your teachers at the faculty. a promenade of ignorance and a professional mess, that every computer scientist walking along would have thought … uauuuuu.
    reading parallelly in english this book, I definitely thought that experimenting with words comes in a very high price.
    but then again not everybody can afford a good ubiquitous education.
    so we have to live somehow in the dimension we can afford. though most of the time things dont feel right.

  8. no touching my teachers, please. they always made less than their students. besides, I had the good luck to be taught by some excellent teachers and linguists. it is only the money gods that have abandoned me.
    most likely the books were prepared by some district aparatchick with patches on elbow, head and nose and armed with two years of Eisenshell (Essential) and Ilo’s dictionary (my wonderfully drunk prof.).
    i recently had a very hurtful experience with translations, which made me enjoy Grindhouse. perhaps i will write about it later once i recover from the experience.
    my recrational skills include but are not confined to: palm reading, Bollywood dancing, teaching English to old highlanders, flamenco posing, and of course, yelling at my friends.

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