my sister always got caught. my friends always got caught. even my cat got caught more than once with her paw in the milk kusi. they all got punished.
but i have always been considered an angel. so, to help aspiring cons and small time crooks, i want to share some of my secrets (not all because this is free).
1. never take all the cookies from the jar, unless you plan not to live with your parents again. Above all, never take the last cookie, unless you are paying the bills.
2. be absent minded i.e. hmm, i thought i paid for that scarf, didn’t i? i was looking for adult information not adult activites on the web, i swear.
3.blame other people i.e. these salespeople are so messy, i am never shopping in this place again!
4. thank God for a nice, round, stressed or worried face. if your face is too narrow, try a pair of foggy glasses which you can put on at the time of “caught in the act”, or scratching your head. remember it is ok to look justly overstressed, just do not overdo it.
5. always have an excuse ready, the simpler the better, i.e. I need the internet for office research. especially the last one is easy because your boss is most likely technology impaired, or too lazy to do it her/himself.
6. do not be an ass because people will truly remember that if they catch you with the hand in the cookie jar. remember, nobody is perfect or likes perfect people. a con person is always a politically correct and sunny person of trust.
7. use misdirection, like (girls pay attention) fixing a bra strap, holding your chest as if in pain, rubbing your lips with your finger (no licking, it is too obvious), or cleaning up imaginary lint from the accusser’s shirt. these can be also applied by men, except chest touching.
8. learn these life saving words “IT WAS NOT ME”. this usually works very well, especially once you forgo all the drama. instead of flinging yourself against a tree or the bathroom door, try using a sincere voice and not too much justifications. and never admit what you have done.
9. if there is ample evidence of what you done, i.e. they found you on top of your boss’ wife, admit. try knocking off the accusation in parts, instead of denying it outright. like “yes i was on top of your wife sir, but we were only preparing for our natural yoga postures for the sunday class. the guru (possibly your best friend with Apu’s accent) will explain further. she chose me, not for my endowements, but for my absolute trustworthiness.” if done right, this can truly give you a sense of accomplishement.
10. practice crying on the mirror. come on, you can fake orgazms, crying should be a breeze. tears are alright, but an ugly contortioned face and swollen eyes are not. instead, try classic sad poses and julia roberts tears. or, if you are a man, look dejected and lost, like a little puppy.
11. never try to swindle an honest person. being too honest, these people will most likely not fall in for your con. targetting upstanding members of society is much more productive.