tips for proactive stealing and successful getting away with stuff

my sister always got caught. my friends always got caught. even my cat got caught more than once with her paw in the milk kusi. they all got punished.

but i have always been considered an angel. so, to help aspiring cons and small time crooks, i want to share some of my secrets (not all because this is free).

1. never take all the cookies from the jar, unless you plan not to live with your parents again. Above all, never take the last cookie, unless you are paying the bills.

2. be absent minded i.e. hmm, i thought i paid for that scarf, didn’t i? i was looking for adult information not adult activites on the web, i swear.

3.blame other people i.e. these salespeople are so messy, i am never shopping in this place again!

4. thank God for a nice, round, stressed or worried face. if your face is too narrow, try a pair of foggy glasses which you can put on at the time of “caught in the act”, or scratching your head. remember it is ok to look justly overstressed, just do not overdo it.

5. always have an excuse ready, the simpler the better, i.e. I need the internet for office research.  especially the last one is easy because your boss is most likely technology impaired, or too lazy to do it her/himself.

6. do not be an ass because people will truly remember that if they catch you with the hand in the cookie jar. remember, nobody is perfect or likes perfect people. a con person is always a politically correct and sunny person of trust.

7. use misdirection, like (girls pay attention) fixing a bra strap, holding your chest as if in pain, rubbing your lips with your finger (no licking, it is too obvious), or cleaning up imaginary lint from the accusser’s shirt. these can be also applied by men, except chest touching.

8. learn these life saving words “IT WAS NOT ME”. this usually works very well, especially once you forgo all the drama. instead of flinging yourself against a tree or the bathroom door, try using a sincere voice and not too much justifications. and never admit what you have done.

9. if there is ample evidence of what you done, i.e. they found you on top of your boss’ wife, admit. try knocking off the accusation in parts, instead of denying it outright. like “yes i was on top of your wife sir, but we were only preparing for our natural yoga postures for the sunday class. the guru (possibly your best friend with Apu’s accent) will explain further. she chose me, not for my endowements, but for my absolute trustworthiness.” if done right, this can truly give you a sense of accomplishement.

10. practice crying on the mirror. come on, you can fake orgazms, crying should be a breeze. tears are alright, but an ugly contortioned face and swollen eyes are not. instead, try classic sad poses and julia roberts tears. or, if you are a man, look dejected and lost, like a little puppy.

11. never try to swindle an honest person. being too honest, these people will most likely not fall in for your con. targetting upstanding members of society is much more productive.


14 thoughts on “tips for proactive stealing and successful getting away with stuff

  1. thats way over the top now cmooon..
    iz all good though.. but it is what it is..
    no grudges though.. i cant’ because i like your wit a lot… iz what it iz…u know…

    ps: i really missed being here so ..let it be

  2. @gj.c. i dislike pointless cussing. as to why, check out southpark movie; bigger longer and uncut.
    otherwise you are welcome here anytime your brilliant mind can drop by.
    no grudges either, but my scissors are at hand.

  3. brilliant mind thot.. kjo ne shqip perkthehet.. ke pjerdhur nga mendja but i like you coz you’re funny.. “Right back at you” 😉 … more thing, kjo esht shpia tende edhe perdet dhe qylymat ja ndron kur te doj qefi ty dihet por sic e tha dhe parafolsja tek shkrimi me siper edhe mua me pelqente designi i vjeter, nesje pak rendesi ka. Have a nice weekend, edhe mos harro te na sjellesh ca mjalte se heret e fundit e ke prishur doren 😀

  4. ahh, me bete te reflektoj tani. hajt mo, i gave in to the audience request.
    but i will still keep experimenting.
    tetene, rrofsh qe ma mbajte anen, po na mundi shumica!

  5. I liked number 7. my cousin visiting from NY kind of knew you and confirmed that you have a big breast and can possibly play quite a lot of tricks with it 🙂
    but that comes in a perfect proportion, with the rest of the hardware you are blessed with.

    anyway, I have to recover for my next -out of the island- adventure. keep up the writing as seems you are good at it. and that qeni qe leh nuk te ha, hope wont be true.
    since I am almost convinced to move to the big apple, hopefully I will get your rants in real time … or how they say, akoma te ngrohta.
    hope you will be one of those few among hundreds of albos in NY that worth talking to.
    また ね。 (switch on your japanese fonts to get the message).

  6. Hey I am amazed Andi noticed, and happy he confirmed my credentials.. hope you guys are having a great time. Maybe now he gets to read my blog too.
    Not sure my rants are better warm. I sure do appreciate your contribution though. Visit anytime you like. I’d be happy to be one of the 300 conversation worthy albos.

  7. gjeke!
    you are welcome to drop me a line when you will be clueless. however no success guaranteed.
    Bee (this nick fits better your initials). well my cousin didnt really commented on particular parts. referring to your last posting, where you reveal to be the inspiration of future boxing champions, seems like you dont have only a big bosom :), and despite the temptation I think you are more interesting … neck and above, though albanians think waist and above …

    and though numbers do count, for the sake of being mathematically/socially correct I said few among hundreds/thousands. as far as I got confirmed, thats the real worth of NY community, no disrespect or offence meant.

    indeed we had a good time. I think I succedded changing my cousin perception on budha and girls. for the good of course 🙂

    when I will be in the big apple I will know how to find you.

  8. you are right. numbers always count, and i think you have the right idea of the worth of the NYC ALBO Community. However, that can be said for any community. I think it is the colors of the community that are truly magnificent. The perceptions are simply mindboggling.
    But then again, I also have a very high tolerance level, and I always hope there is gold beneath all the grime.

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