red wine land (no reading when sobersss mmm wine)

man such a pretty good red wine. the blood of the christ. did i ever say white wine is for wussies? who knows what veins it came from?

there is one beautiful bottle left which i pry away from the protective knee of my eternal crush. at the moment, i am very happpy to see the wine bottle.  you know, my lips are black, my tongue is totally moldy and burning and my teeth are shot. but i need another glass of wine. man i am not such a good muslim woman after all.

ajia ajia aj aj. my eternal crush takes the bottle away from the crook of his knee and fills my glass to the brim. then he changes seats because apparently i have been yelling in his ear. it is not my fault he has such a fetching ear. round, clean with a refreshing teardrop lobe anyone would love to be friends with. especially my tongue.

my glass is filled. the seat next to me is  empty. i kiss my cousin, my best friend, my cousin who is also my best friend, my sister, my friend, his wife, my friend, her date,  and even my wine glass but i can not kiss my crush who is also my best friend. so i do the next best thing. i yell in his ear about scanderbeg, the horse boy, who appparently saved us from the turks, and who we love very much because of his big sword and his goat helmet. man, i am such a goat too.

how can i keep a straight face in front of my friend whose date is underendowed? i drink more wine of course. careful my friends! if you see a drunken woman, do not disrespect her because she might be drinking in order not to tell her friend about your size. hehehehe. they say in vino veritas but i say a full mouth does not talk since i took no latin in my college years. the dean took one look at me and said i did not need it. but I digress.

 ahh the table is full and so is my belly. my sister is the perfect host, and i am the perfect drunken guest.  no wonder my crush changed places. but my cousin did not. she will be still here, covered with the wonderful hairy blanket, asking me about my repertoire in her car (billy holliday of course) and holding my hand while i ask the drunken question again, why you no love me? he love me and he no big billie goat at all. he cute ram with sunny patch and unibrow, but you still no love me, you billy goat gruff… let the trolls eat you because you so desire.

it is all a big jumble of wine in my muslim head. i am genetically muslim, but a self proclaimed pagan who prays to Jesus once in a while and quarrells with God, when there is no sleep in sight. and my crush has moved to the other side of the room, liberated from my frantic cries and wine induced cusses. because i am once, twice, three times a lady, especially when i curse. at least my mouth is still dainty.

my other friend is contemplating leaving her b/f of three years, that comittmentphobic jerk who likes her mouth and her cooking but thinks he can do better, despite disappearing hair and ver much present paunch. he is also the reason why i never buy eggplant again. and he has the galls to tell her he is still testing her. God why did you make men in your image. Couldn’;t you have made them with a bit of your wisdom too? YOu gave them life, how could you not give them brains?

my crush is more scrumptious then ever from the other side of the room, belching out loud and scratching his balls. apparently he needs to do this on an hourly basis in order to feel at one with hisself. and yet i want him. ah the stupidity of the humanity, you needed statues on your name. this is the statue of god Stupid, who granted crushes and buckets of cold water at midnight. spilled wine and remotes in pockets are appropriate offerings. every time a cell phone is found under the pillow or on the fridge, thanks must be offered to god Stupid, otherwise you will be punished with an Indian neighbour accross the street who will have a telescope (the better to spy on you my dear) and will give you a leecherous eye and a gold grin on the bus while calling you baby and patting your back in hope of feeling the clasp of your bra.

ajia ajia aj. my crush is now bracing himself because he thinks i am hitting on him again. who me? right. but he has such cute ears though. once sb complemented on my ears and i was so happy, only to think later “how come he only noticed my ears? is my face that ugly?”. ehh he was right of course. i have very cute ears, particularly appropriate for wet willies (usually wet fingers that your crush will jokingly poke in your earhole, just to see your disgusted and aroused face at the same time. if it does not make sense, try watching animal porn. you get the same feeling).

in short, i got drunk tonight once again. while i forgot to sing billie holliday songs, i still played melodies in my head and embarrased my sister. but i know she still loves me. and it helps with her fiance who is very happy to have hooked up with the sober sister.

i fell on the ice on the way back and i took pictures of Miss F. since my crush did not kiss me, this is all i have to content myself with tonight.


9 thoughts on “red wine land (no reading when sobersss mmm wine)

  1. Unfortunately I couldn`t laugh.
    I felt sad at the end, some not so nice memories of mine came back.
    As for your friend`s not yet ex either he is dumb for not understanding for three years or if he is lying he is a total jerk so the testing period should end in any case (according to my humble opinion).
    I am just curious what exactly was he testing her for?

  2. beats me. i mostly find that no matter what level of the food chain they are from, guys always think they can do better especially if they are confident of having one woman’s love.
    i think he is just having too much of a good thing right now.
    but hey it is her decission. personally, i’d have kicked him to the curve a long time ago.

  3. I”m puzzled how everyone is commenting about your friend and her “jerk” boyfriend and forgetting about your crush… u know, the one with cute ears but who likes to scratch his balls in front of other people 😉

  4. ehh, crushes are painful so these ladies are tactfully not touching that subject.
    besides, they probably thought I was talking about a golden retriever.

  5. because they probably, intuitively guessed that the crush was a non sequitur, any conviction to the contrary was dulled, as the cuteness of his ears preserved in alcoholic vapours.

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