25 signs you have grown up

My friend forwarded me this. Is it a hint? I pride myself in being ageless but I went through these symptoms with a magnifying glass, more meticulously than when I check for new gray hairs or wrinkles.

25 SIGNS YOU HAVE GROWN UP

1. Your houseplants are alive, and you can’t smoke any
of them. { hmm, my houseplanst are alive, true, but that is despite me. when my mom returned to the US after a year, she found the sole plant she left in my care, had mutated into some kind of wild prickly stuff and was having a relationship with a bean sprout and half of a fork.}
2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question. {weell now, I would not go that far. some wonderful male specimens have not grown out of the airbed stage. what am I supposed to do, say no?}

3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge. {depending on the kind of food. i feel that pop tarts, ketchup, cheese sticks and chex mix should not qualify}

4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed. {OMG, I am old!}

5. You hear your favorite song in an elevator. {I actually like Moxart. what do i do here?}

6. You watch the Weather Channel.{no, no, then a resounding no. meybe when they get stripping weathermen. }

7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of “hook up”
and “break-up.” {yeah, they did. whose side do you take, is the question.}

8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14. {but it is not my fault. I am a victim of the system.}

9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as “dressed up.” {I should add, neither do tank and tube tops, or anything that shows your wobbling waddling nonexisting triceps}

10. You’re the one calling the police because those %&@#
kids next door won’t turn down the stereo. {i normally join the %&@# kids}

11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes
around you. {my mom told one last week, choking on the punchline and burning at the ears. I was so proud of her.}

12. You don’t know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.{i can tell you the chinese fast food store at the corner}

13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments
go up. {yep}

14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald’s
leftovers. { I eat the leftovers myself. does that count?}

15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt. {yeah right, where am I supposed to sleep then?}

16. You take naps. {yup}

17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the
beginning of one. {hmm}

18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would
severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach. {no way jose, it is the best part of the evening}

19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid,
not condoms & pregnancy tests.

20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer “pretty good
shit.”

21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.

22. “I just can’t drink the way I used to” replaces “I’m
never going to drink that much again.”

23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is
for real work.

24. You drink at home to save money before going to a
bar.

25. When you find out your friend is pregnant you
congratulate them instead of asking “Oh shit what the hell happened?”

Bonus: 26: You read this entire list looking desperately
for one sign that doesn’t apply to you and can’t find one to save your
sorry old ass. {wrooong, my ass is safe, sound and getting bigger}

2 thoughts on “25 signs you have grown up

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