As I came into my office today, I suddenly panicked and gasped loudly:
OMG! New Year’s Resolutions!!!!!
What happened to the ones I made last year?
Where are the ones I made this year?
Did I take my medicine for today?
To start, the New Year’s Resolutions for yours truly, were sown into this innocent pure mind, by that St. Nick communist dude a long time ago. I mean we had full blown parties in which the OLD Year Geezer talked about the past year’s achievements and passed the torch (gave the stick, slipped the tongue or whatever) to the New Year Geezer who was played by whoever was best student or had the most influential relatives.
The New Year Geezer would read inspiring resolutions off his parchment such as:
We will fulfill the 5 year agriculture plan by next year (Standing ovations!)
We will fight all the revisionist and capitalist enemies in our midst (Oh how our hands were smarting!)
We will be the light of Europe in this dark sea of capitalism (Liar, Liar, Hands on Fiar, Har, Har, Har)
Then the New Year Geezer would open this big sack of toys and the best students (or the one with the most influential relatives) would get a communist plastic bear with rolling eyes, or a squeak duck, or a doll with “real” hair. The toys were normally confiscated as soon as we got home, by our wonderful mothers and put on the shelf for “safekeeping” together with the empty Coca Cola and Whiskey bottles scored from a relative a zillion years ago. Sometimes, the shiny foil of bubble gum would also have an honor place there.
Anyway, to return to the resolutions, they completely slipped my mind this year, until today, when I read about what a dud they were on AMNY.
Last year, I promised myself, I would curb my spending and discipline my wallet. But there were so many new innocent books who needed a home, a couple of friends who I had to show off to by buying them dinner, my trip to Albania, my friend getting married, my everexpanding waist, the dye for my long dark hair, etc, etc, etc.
Since as long as I can rembember, I have wanted to lose weight, but the resolution gods were against me in this one too. I did not know I had a flat belly until I grew a pouch, or that stretch marks could form such fascinating patterns on my arms. I am no ugly fatty mind you, but i developed into a full meal from that bocconcino I was about 5 years ago. I have a mind to blame the Godiva. What if she falls in love with Mickey D? What hope can there still be for me then?
Then there is the matter of the boyfriend. I am divided on this one. While all wise heads (mine too) admit that a permanent one is so nice to have and to hold, the headaches he causes almost do not make it worthwhile for me. Why are all the good ones only good for a week? How fast should the expiration date of a boyfriend be? Why does God permits such long abstinence periods and then gives me such horrible material to work with? Ah the ways of God are infinite…but my nerves gave out a long time ago. Yet, I am a happy, well adjusted silver swan.
What else? I failed the driving test twice (who was that idiot who said that the most important part is showing up?) So my licence resolution went out the drain again.
This year, I made the following resolutions:
1. write on my blog,
2. pretend I do not know my blog readers.
3. drink less
4. try to find another justification for my spontaneous stripping
5. get a driving licence
6. learn how to cuss properly
7. try to kill as little squirrels as possible with my car
8. comb my hair straight
9. pretend I am bad at things
10. pay more attention to the other people when they speak to me
11. avoid peple hitting me in the head when I am not paying attention.
12. fit into my beautiful black dress once again.
13. try to get the dress back from my cousin.
14. cut my remaining credit card
15. do not call card companies to replace the aforementioned card.
16. find a boyfriend.
17. do not dump boyfriend within a week
18. keep my mother from finding i have a boyfriend and falling victim to pointed comments and toasts about single people.
19. seek professional help and do not self-operate brain.
20. try to remember what I wrote here.